Performance Reviews...

It’s that wonderful time of year again – performance review time. I know many HR professionals would disagree with me, but in my opinion, these are a waste of time…my time.

Yes, I do realize that my time is not as precious as I might think, but let me just say this - I could find better ways to spend my time. For example, I could perform a community service. Some viable options may include scrapping gum wads from the underside of tables in the food court at the local mall or perhaps cleaning toilets in the subway.

My wonderful HR department has come up with a fantastic self-review questionnaire this year. “Self-review” is the politically correct way to say that: ”Your boss is a lazy ass and won’t fill out your evaluation form, so if you want a raise, you better fill it out yourself.”

Here are some of the questions:

Question 1: In your view, how do your responsibilities support the organization’s strategy?
My Response: What’s the organization’s strategy? Where do I find that?

Question 2: What do you consider your most important contributions and accomplishments during the review period?
My Response: Well, it was a slow year. The only thing of note - a few months ago, I managed to piss off the Director of Manufacturing by making a “chalk” outline on the floor in his manufacturing area, although he never did figure out it was me who did it. But because it caused one of his more legendary meltdowns, I’ll take credit for it.

Question 3: What competencies have been most important in achieving those accomplishments?
My Response: Motivation - I had to come to work early so not as to disrupt productivity. Determination - I was late in arriving because I had to first assist in the rescue of a horse from along side the road. Leadership – I had to encourage the participation of a fellow “team” member. Discretion - I would also say discretion played a huge role in the success of the mission.

Question 4: What feedback have you received from co-workers?
My Response: I haven’t received any direct feedback considering it was done anonymously; however everyone seemed to appreciate the frivolity of the matter, except of course for the Director of Manufacturing. Given his lack of sense of humor, I don't believe his opinion should count.

Question 5: What have you learned that you can apply in the future?
My Response: I learned that it surprising how much duct tape is required to actually surround the human body. I also learned that duct tape sticks to hair and exposed skin. It also leaves a giant mark on the floor after it is removed.

Question 6: How did you accomplish what you did?
My Response: By staying focused and having the necessary amount of time to complete the task at hand.

Question 7: How has your manager helped your performance during the review period?
My Response: To put it simply, he didn’t ask any questions. I suspect he knew what was going on, but said nothing. Don’t ask, don’t tell – that’s our team motto.

Question 8: What else could you have done to enhance your own performance?
My Response: I don’t think I could have done it any better. I'm awesome. If you disagree, you should have completed the damn review yourself.