Performance Reviews...

It’s that wonderful time of year again – performance review time. I know many HR professionals would disagree with me, but in my opinion, these are a waste of time…my time.

Yes, I do realize that my time is not as precious as I might think, but let me just say this - I could find better ways to spend my time. For example, I could perform a community service. Some viable options may include scrapping gum wads from the underside of tables in the food court at the local mall or perhaps cleaning toilets in the subway.

My wonderful HR department has come up with a fantastic self-review questionnaire this year. “Self-review” is the politically correct way to say that: ”Your boss is a lazy ass and won’t fill out your evaluation form, so if you want a raise, you better fill it out yourself.”

Here are some of the questions:

Question 1: In your view, how do your responsibilities support the organization’s strategy?
My Response:
What’s the organization’s strategy? Where do I find that?

Question 2:
What do you consider your most important contributions and accomplishments during the review period?

My Response: Well, it was a slow year. The only thing of note - a few months ago, I managed to piss off the Director of Manufacturing by making a “chalk” outline on the floor in his manufacturing area, although he never did figure out it was me who did it. But because it caused one of his more legendary meltdowns, I’ll take credit for it.

Question 3:
What competencies have been most important in achieving those accomplishments?

My Response: Motivation - I had to come to work early so not as to disrupt productivity. Determination - I was late in arriving because I had to first assist in the rescue of a horse from along side the road. Leadership – I had to encourage the participation of a fellow “team” member. Discretion - I would also say discretion played a huge role in the success of the mission.

Question 4:
What feedback have you received from co-workers?

My Response: I haven’t received any direct feedback considering it was done anonymously; however everyone seemed to appreciate the frivolity of the matter, except of course for the Director of Manufacturing. Given his lack of sense of humor, I don't believe his opinion should count.

Question 5:
What have you learned that you can apply in the future?

My Response: I learned that it surprising how much duct tape is required to actually surround the human body. I also learned that duct tape sticks to hair and exposed skin. It also leaves a giant mark on the floor after it is removed.

Question 6: How did you accomplish what you did?
My Response: By staying focused and having the necessary amount of time to complete the task at hand.

Question 7:
How has your manager helped your performance during the review period?

My Response: To put it simply, he didn’t ask any questions. I suspect he knew what was going on, but said nothing. Don’t ask, don’t tell – that’s our team motto.

Question 8:
What else could you have done to enhance your own performance?

My Response: I don’t think I could have done it any better. I'm awesome. If you disagree, you should have completed the damn review yourself.


Brian Miller said…
when i saw the pic in Reader, I thought it went with the topic...performance reviews. i agree most of them are treated like a necessary evil...blah, blah, blah...i would much rather have regular authentic should get plus points for saving the horse...smiles.
Insanity said…
Haha...I love your responses. I needed a laugh this morning so thank you. (:
M.J. said…
You think you have it bad...try working for the U.S. government at performance appraisal time. Bleh.
JW.BW said…
LOL!! This is so funny! I love it!! Performance reviews are taken SOOOOO seriously in the navy we have meetings after meetings and we rank everyone from best to worst... Its a friggin nightmare!! Of course its no self review on a chalk line done in duct tape though :-)
That is hilarious! Management shouldn't surprise me but sometimes they go out of their just to make me say, "Really?! Seriously?! WOW!"

Have a good day :)
Sylvia said…
I know, I know. 118%. In the last review, they told me what I should answer. But not any more... Next one will be very interesting... LOL
My turn.

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