Open Letters...

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed here are my own. The statements may or may not be true and may have been altered to protect my butt in the event the HR Department finds my blog.


To Everyone That Wears Crocs,

I don’t care how comfortable they are, unless you are a 3 year old – you look stupid.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Citizen

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Dear HR Manager,

Just a friendly reminder - I’m not your assistant and not in your department, so kindly stop asking me to photocopy, print or scan for you. I would suggest that you ask your assistant to assist you.

Yours truly,

S

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Dear HR Manager,

I forgot to mention this in my earlier note. It’s not my fault that you hired an assistant that is stupid. May I recommend that you deal with it?

Kindness Regards,

S

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Dear HR Manager,

Signing all your e-mails “thanks a bunch” does not make me anymore inclined to assist you. Should you wish to revisit this situation, may I suggest that you start using “you are a goddess and I am forever indebted to you.”

Thanks a Bunch!
S

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Dear HR Manager,

Perhaps you need to consider that YOU are the reason everyone in your department has quit and now you are left with stupid people. Just a thought…

S

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Dear Sister-in-Law,

I have never once in the 18 years I’ve known you, seen you finish everything on your plate. Maybe you should consider taking a bit less the first time and then if you are still hungry, go back for seconds. I respectfully suggest that you stop being so wasteful – it bugs me.

S

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Dear Sister-in-Law,

As mentioned in my previous note, I would ask you – Did you really need that piece of pie? I didn’t think so. You didn’t finish the main course, then only took one bite of the pie and threw the rest in the trash. Obviously, you need to spend some time in a third world country to appreciate what you have. Did I mention that you really bug me?

P.S. Your husband is a redneck.

Hugs,
S

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To My Loving Husband,

Please stop your bitching about the lack of pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving. That was 3 days ago now and I’ve stopped listening. Get over it and move on before I start calling you names…

Your loving wife,
S

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To My Loving Husband,

I have a recommendation for you. How about we consider flushing the $2.99 sick goldfish instead of medicating them all with the $23.00 fish medication? If you think about it, it makes perfect economic sense. I look forward to your response.

P.S. In case you were wondering, I’m sick of your damn aquarium.

S

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Dear HR Assistant,

You have been here 2 months now. I would kindly request that you stop using the “I’m new” excuse. It’s grown old and tired – like me.

P.S. You don’t need a bachelor’s degree to work the photocopier and if I have to show you again, I’m telling your boss, you are stupid and this will confirm that it’s not a figment of her imagination.

My Deepest Sympathies In Advance,
S

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Dear Son,

I know you think I don’t have anything better to do in the morning, but I make you lunch for a reason. If you choose not to eat it, at least be creative and throw it out a school. I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t leave it under your bed for me to find in June.

Love,
Mom

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Dear Son,

Just wondering - is there is a hole in your shoes? Please confirm, as I can’t quite figure out any other reason for you to wear 25 pairs of sock in one week.

P.S. It’s really cool how you manage to turn everyone inside out and leave them that way. That’s a special talent you should be proud of.

Love,
Mom