Snot Bubbles and Wedgies...

Scuba diving can be the most relaxing, peaceful experience of your life – no cell phones, no boss and no noise, except for your own bubbles; however it can be a sport that is not for the faint of heart – rough waters, sharks and crushing depths. If you are self-conscious, shy or weak of stomach, scuba diving may not be for you. Let me explain…Warning: The following may be overly descriptive. Read on at your own risk…

The scuba wetsuit. There is nothing glamorous about squeezing a size 8, 10, 12 body into a size 8 neoprene wetsuit, while sweating under the Caribbean sun. It’s sort of like trying to put a sock on while your foot is still wet.

Scuba diving professionals may tell you, that neoprene doesn’t shrink, but those people are liars. What they are really trying to do is make you feel good about yourself – selfish bastards. I am living proof that my wetsuit has shrunk on numerous occasions – usually over the winter months. Coincidence? I think not.

The wedgie. This uncomfortable sensation inevitably occurs when your swimsuit has inadvertently made its way into places it doesn’t belong, unless of course it's a thong. The wedgie is usually caused as the direct result of struggling with the foregoing wetsuit. Since your movement is now limited, removing it yourself is problematic. I would suggest that you ask for assistance in removing the offending obstacle - a gentle tug from a friend on the behind of your wetsuit usually works best. If you didn’t have any friends before you started, this might just be the ice breaker you’re looking for.

The mask spit. Yes – spit in your mask! This disgusting little maneuver is done just before you a ready to head under the water and is a prerequisite if you do not want your mask to fog up during your dive. It works like this – work up a spit ball, release into your mask, making sure to get both lenses, rub the aforementioned spit around your mask and then give it a quick rinse. Tip: Prior to your dive, I would suggest that you do not ingest Oreo cookies or anything else that may leave remnants…

Fart Bubbles. Farting is possible while scuba diving but not advisable for the following reasons:
1. Diving wetsuits are very expensive and the explosive force of underwater fart will rip a hole in your wetsuit.
2. An underwater fart will shoot you up to the surface like a missile which can cause decompression sickness.
3. The acoustic wave of the underwater fart explosion can disorient your fellow divers and sea creatures.
4. The massive underwater fart explosion attracts sharks trying to find out who did that.
(courtesy of WikiAnswers)

Wetsuit Tinkles. Let me start by saying – I DO NOT do this, but many of my friends and fellow divers do. Know how I can tell? Sudden increase in water temperatures can only be explained by two scenarios – you are either diving near an underwater volcano and since living through this one his highly unlikely, I would suspect someone in the surrounding area has peed in their wetsuit and you happened to swim in their wake. There should be a t-shirt: “I don’t pee in your pool, so please don’t pee in my ocean.”

Mask Removal. This one is the most disgusting and I can’t explain the technical reason for why it happens, but it does. At the end of the dive, once you emerge from the water and remove your mask, you are left with suction rings around your eyes and a face-full of snot. Seriously can it get any grosser?

If you happen to dive or may want do so in the future, I would suggest that as a public service to those around you, be a courtesy diver (assist with wedgie removal), respect the environment (don’t use the ocean as your toilet) and also, please wipe the boogers from your face and fix your hair before you attempt to make conversation. After all, it’s all about looking good…and at the end of a dive, I will guarantee that you’ll look like hell, but feel like a million bucks.

Not everything is a mermaid that dives into the water.~ Russian Proverb


Brian Miller said…
hahaha. i am so ready to go diving now. sounds like a great way to meet new friends. lol.
@Brian - not only is diving a great way to meet friends, but it also humbles you and allows you to laugh at yourself (because if you don't, others will). It's just not glamorous.
K13 said…
Oh My Gosh...I was dying of laughter here...that is freakin' hilarious...particularly the wedgie ice breaker & farts. Love it!!!
CrazyCris said…

Personal notes:
* When I bought my wetsuit (one and only that doesn't fit anymore), I ordered it through my dive instructor. But before I went to a big department store to try several of them on to figure out size make etc... it was cold inside what with the AC etc... and I had sweat pearls rolling down my skin thanks to the damn suits! I can't wait for the "space age" dive suits to be commercially available at a reasonable price...

* the mask spit isn't 100% foolproof! grrr.... on my last dive I spent the last 15' constantly taking my mask off, rinsing it out and putting it back to get rid of that dam fog... but everytime I blew the water out it just fogged up again!

* never had to worry about the wedgie :o)

* haven't farted underwater but have thrown up... not reccommended either unless you really want to be surrounded by lots of little fishies... ;o)
@K13 - It was a wedgie removal exercise that a good friend now remembers as the moment she met my husband and I. True story.

@Cris - I actually gave up on the spit exercise and purchase some bottled "sea snot" - actually name I think is Sea Drops and they work a lot better than the real stuff.
CrazyCris said…
I'll have to keep my eyes open for th European equivalent, although I do remember one instructor mentioning something about the usefulness of toothpaste once upon a time...
f8hasit said…
I have to say that was the funniest, most enjoyable post (for me at least!) that you've had yet!

Thank you for the outstanding laugh! I really needed one today, and you delivered it with skill.
Sylvia said…
very interesting. So many things I didn't know!
@f8hasit - Glad I could bring you a smile today :)

@Sylvia - I do hope to provide an educational lesson from time to time. smiles :)
M.J. said…
All these things were the least of my worries when I tried scuba diving...I was more concerned with the test of throwing your breathing tube away, getting it back and clearing it in time for your next breath. Or last breath. Whatever.

This is why I stick to snorkeling. The grossest thing with that hobby is spitting in your goggles and the google marks you talk about.
JW.BW said…
Just when I thought I would get my cert here.... I think I may have to reconsider. Even though the thought of a wedgie icebreaker is tempting!! great post!
webruci said…
You need to write a book!
Is a second post in two days, and I can't stop to laughtwhit tears:-)
Normaly i don't have pacience to read a long post, but yours...:-)))
I would like to have some "user manuals" like this.

You are the best:-))))
@MJ - The regulator recovery is the easy part - it's the flooding and clearing of the mask underwater that's the hard part.

@Jessi - Scuba is fun and makes you laugh at yourself and other of course, others.

@webruci - Thanks for the compliments. If you need me to write some manuals for you, just let me know.

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