I Was Feeling Pretty Good Until...

I had my annual “physical” yesterday.   I’ve been attending the same clinic for well over 20 years and am overall happy with the service I receive.  The clinic is part of a state-of-the-art teaching hospital, so with that I typically have relatively quick access to a network of specialists should the need arise.  With that being said, I’m usually treated by residents and have rarely had the same resident in all my 20 years.

I felt pretty good going into the appointment and then not so much by the time I left.   Why do you ask?

• Well, first of all I was treated by Miss Doogie Howser.   I swear she wasn’t even legal drinking age.  That in itself made me feel old, because when I first started going to that clinic – I WAS her age.

• As she was running down the standard list of questions (i.e. do you smoke, how much do you drink, is there any history of heart problems in your family), she asked me “How is your sex life?  Any concerns?  Are you satisfied with it?”  Ummm, wow I think to myself, how do I answer this?  I’m sure I’ve experienced more in the last few weeks than she has in her ENTIRE lifetime.  Instead of blurting out that I’m “well versed in the art of Kama sutra”, I just smile and say "everything is fine, no concerns".

• She then performs the standard “check up”, but while doing so, points out that I have “a lot of sun damage”.  What?   According to her - freckles are considered sun damage.  I have had these same freckles since I was 6 and I’m a redhead, so I guess I’m automatically predisposed to “sun damage”.

• She then finds one freckle sun damaged spot that is particularly concerning to her.  I think it’s a wart and it’s been there for at least 5 years.  She now has me scheduled for a biopsy on my wart – “just to be sure”!

• I’m also scheduled for fasting and bloods tests in the near future – “just to be sure that nothing else is wrong with me”.

• Oh and apparently, my urine sample had something funky going on too, so they are sending that away for tests – “just to be sure”.  Seriously?

I went in feeling like a million bucks, but by the time I left, I was feeling like I had a whole bunch of undiagnosed diseases - gout, arthritis, dementia, kidney stones, high blood pressure, liver disease and let’s not forget - irreversible sun damage.