31 October, 2009
30 October, 2009
Seriously folks, Wal-Mart in wanting to cash in on the business of death has now started selling caskets online at prices that undercut funeral homes.
Now I'm all for saving a few dollars, but I could not for the life of me (no pun intended), purchase a casket online from a discount retailer. It just seems wrong.
Just a special note to my husband: if you even think of purchasing one of these special models, I WILL come back to haunt you and I'll be bringing my mother with me.
29 October, 2009
Since August 2007, 7 feet have washed ashore along the beaches of
The creepiest part - all the found feet have been discovered tied up in running shoes. Experts have explained that the feet are found because as the body decomposes, the buoyant running shoe floats to the surface.
Apparently, two feet found separately belong to the same woman, but she hasn't been identified.
Another two male feet found separately have been matched to one man, and another lone male foot remains unidentified.
RCMP Corp. Annie Linteau said there's been no evidence so far to support foul play in connection to any of the seven discoveries.
She says "There were no tool markings and it just did not appear that they were severed or forcibly removed," Linteau said in an interview. Police and the coroner's office say it appears that all the remains separated from the body through a natural process.
WTH? What natural process can separate a foot from the body?
Linteau goes on to say “A number of experts in this case to try and unlock the mystery of why the feet are being found, including oceanographers, forensic entomologists and forensic pathologists. It is very unusual."
Unusual? Really? Of course it’s unusual and if I had to bet, I would say – serial killer you morons!
Where is the CSI Team when you need them? It certainly wouldn’t have taken them two years to solve this one.
28 October, 2009
Yes, I do realize that my time is not as precious as I might think, but let me just say this - I could find better ways to spend my time. For example, I could perform a community service. Some viable options may include scrapping gum wads from the underside of tables in the food court at the local mall or perhaps cleaning toilets in the subway.
My wonderful HR department has come up with a fantastic self-review questionnaire this year. “Self-review” is the politically correct way to say that: ”Your boss is a lazy ass and won’t fill out your evaluation form, so if you want a raise, you better fill it out yourself.”
Here are some of the questions:
Question 1: In your view, how do your responsibilities support the organization’s strategy?
My Response: What’s the organization’s strategy? Where do I find that?
Question 2: What do you consider your most important contributions and accomplishments during the review period?
My Response: Well, it was a slow year. The only thing of note - a few months ago, I managed to piss off the Director of Manufacturing by making a “chalk” outline on the floor in his manufacturing area, although he never did figure out it was me who did it. But because it caused one of his more legendary meltdowns, I’ll take credit for it.
Question 3: What competencies have been most important in achieving those accomplishments?
My Response: Motivation - I had to come to work early so not as to disrupt productivity. Determination - I was late in arriving because I had to first assist in the rescue of a horse from along side the road. Leadership – I had to encourage the participation of a fellow “team” member. Discretion - I would also say discretion played a huge role in the success of the mission.
Question 4: What feedback have you received from co-workers?
My Response: I haven’t received any direct feedback considering it was done anonymously; however everyone seemed to appreciate the frivolity of the matter, except of course for the Director of Manufacturing. Given his lack of sense of humor, I don't believe his opinion should count.
Question 5: What have you learned that you can apply in the future?
My Response: I learned that it surprising how much duct tape is required to actually surround the human body. I also learned that duct tape sticks to hair and exposed skin. It also leaves a giant mark on the floor after it is removed.
Question 6: How did you accomplish what you did?
My Response: By staying focused and having the necessary amount of time to complete the task at hand.
Question 7: How has your manager helped your performance during the review period?
My Response: To put it simply, he didn’t ask any questions. I suspect he knew what was going on, but said nothing. Don’t ask, don’t tell – that’s our team motto.
Question 8: What else could you have done to enhance your own performance?
My Response: I don’t think I could have done it any better. I'm awesome. If you disagree, you should have completed the damn review yourself.
27 October, 2009
I’ve been spending some time putting together my bucket list. I’m a great one for saying, “I want to do this and I want to do that”; but have never put my ramblings down on paper.
While doing my bucket list research, I read that you have a better chance of success in crossing items off your list if you commit your thoughts to paper and make it public. I guess it’s the fear of public scrutiny that provides you with the motivation to move forward.
Having said that, my list isn’t done, but I will post it when it is.
So, you ask “What’s the point of this post?”
The point is - I found this while I was filling my “bucket” full of life goals. I’ve read it before, but never looses its impact.
If I Had My Life to Live Over
by Erma Bombeck
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the "good" living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television, and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute, look at it and really see it, live it, and never give it back.
Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who DO love us.
Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with.
And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually.
Life is too short to let it pass you by.
We only have one shot at this and then it's gone.
I hope you all have a blessed day.
26 October, 2009
Don’t ask me how it happened, but for some reason this year and many, many previous years, I have been in charge of packing not only for myself, but J too. For the most part, the arrangement works out well – he hauls everything up from the basement and piles it into the spare room. I just have to sort it all out and make sure we have all the essentials.
The challenging part is getting everything into as few suitcases as possible, while keeping it under the weight restrictions imposed by the airlines. Not an easy task, but it can be done. The key is to take only the essentials and nothing more…
Here are the some of the essentials…
The Suitcase. I prefer the Heys 4WD model – it’s lightweight to begin with, durable and since it’s the 4 wheel drive model, it’s easy to maneuver and spins. In the event you have a long wait in line at some airport (not that that ever happens), you can also sit on it. It’s also unique and is easily identifiable from every other piece of luggage coming off the luggage carousel.
The Scuba Gear. It’s the gear that is my life line and the root of packing problems, so I take extra care in making sure I don’t forget anything.
- BCD (buoyancy compensation device)
- Regulator & Computer
- Underwater Flashlights (for the night dives)
- Underwater Camera
Here’s my list of “goodies” – approximately 7 lbs worth. Don’t judge me. Just keep in mind, scuba diving burns a lot of calories…and I also share with my friends…if they are nice to me…and I feel like it…
- Jelly Bellies – Large bag from Costco. Iguanas love these, but I only give them the crappy tasting ones like popcorn, coffee, black licorice.
- Swedish Berries – Large bag from Costco. I love these.
- Licorice – Red only.
- Hot Rods – Large box from Costco. These faux meat sticks saved my life once while I was lost for 3 days in the jungles of Ecuador (true story…sort of).
- Chocolate Bars – Approximately 20 in total (full size) - Snickers, Mars, Areo, Kit Kat, Smarties. Yes I know Smarties aren’t technically chocolate bars, but they came in a mixed pack and are tasty just the same.
- Mixed Nuts – Large container from Coscto. These go great with a cold beer at the end of the day.
23 October, 2009
22 October, 2009
Last night, my son casually announced that his college applications need to be finalized by middle of December.
Son: Oh yeah, I need to decide my future by middle of December.
Son: Yeah, middle of December. All my college applications need to be finalized.
Me: WTH are you talking about? College what?
Son: Mom, you know COLL-EGE. A place where I’ll go to CON-TIN-UE my education.
Me: I know what college is, but this can’t be possible. What grade are you in?
It seems like it was only yesterday that he was starting kindergarten. I remember every single report card vividly and nowhere did they include the warning “YOUR CHILD IS STARTING COLLEGE IN 5, 4, 3, 2 or 1 YEAR(S)”.
I am not prepared for this – emotionally or financially (more emotionally). Selfishly, J and I have been living our lives to the fullest – traveling the world, wining and dining ourselves silly and then all of a sudden – BAM! This *shit* happens.
What the hell happened to the last 17 years of my life? When did my son grow up? You would think this is something I would have noticed since I’m not away from home THAT much.
Wait, I have noticed – he’s not grown up. He’s not ready to move away. He won’t be able to deal with the challenges ahead of him. He’s not yet equipped with enough life skills to make it…OR, is he?
Could it be possible that I’m actually the one with all of the problems? I doubt it - it's him...
21 October, 2009
October 23rd is the official Slap Your Irritating Co- workers Holiday:
Do you have a co- worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about?
Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?
Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty; you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?
Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?
Well, I am so very very glad to officially announce SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!
Here are the rules you must follow:
- You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
- You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
- You are allowed to hold someone down as other co- workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
- No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
- If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!
20 October, 2009
Why are people more irritating first thing in the morning than they are after lunch?
My route to work has a lot of ongoing road constructions/pavement resurfacing happening at the moment and in order to ensure the safety of the construction crews, the have set up a series of traffic cones dividing the workers from the oncoming traffic. It's not like the cones are really going to stop a speeding vehicle, but whatever. One day, I’m going to snap, step on the gas and run my car into those things, knocking them all over. The cones – not the workers.
Why did Continental Airlines send me an e-mail advising me of a change in my upcoming departure time? It was meant to be 5:35 p.m. and now it’s 5:36 p.m. One minute. Seriously?
I’ve been asked to manage a new project at work. What they haven’t considered is the fact that I’m not a financial expert or marketing guru, both of which the project requires. Without drawing attention to myself, how do I say, “Have you actually looked at my resume? In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not actually qualified to do that job.”
I have a relative who hasn’t bothered to speak to me in almost 3 years and suddenly, she has sent me 3 e-mails in 3 days asking that I complete her wills for her. What my family fails to recognize is that I don’t know the first thing about estate law, criminal law, tax law or divorce law. They hear that I work in a legal department and assume the word “legal” = free legal advice on whatever they need. In order to make them go away, I usually just make something up. I know it’s dishonest, but remember - you get what you pay for.
I joined Facebook a couple of years ago – pretty much just to stalk people, which in some cases has either made me feel really good about my life or in some cases has solidified my belief that I could being doing more with it. Lately, Facebook makes me want to gouge my eyes out. I can’t believe some of the updates people provide – if it’s awkward for me, shouldn’t it be embarrassing for them? Not to mention, I don’t really care about your status in Mafia Wars and Farmville. I’ve got better things to do with my life – like blogging.
As always, stop by and visit The Un Mom for plenty more Tuesday Randomness.
19 October, 2009
I believe that I am the master of my own destiny and have the ability to select the path I want to take in life. I realize the path I have chosen has had its fair share of speed bumps, potholes and poison ivy patches along the way, but ultimately I’m still in control of the road map and as long as I don’t let anyone “car jack” me, I’ll get there - eventually.
I don’t believe that I should simply accept what is provided to me as “the best life has to offer”. I believe I should strive to achieve more, regardless of the adversity I may face.
Just like life, I don’t believe I should simply accept the daily horoscope that is provided to me. If I don’t like what I read, I’ll move on to another source until I find a horoscope that I can live with.
Here is a sampling of my horoscope for today from various sources…
If you stay focused today, you will accomplish great things. Luck is on your side.
My Response: Well, staying focused is not going to happen, so I guess my chances of accomplishing great things is not about to happen either. Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket if luck is supposed to be on my side.
The line between fact and fiction is fine. But you really need to make sure that you know where it is today.
My Response: I couldn’t find my car keys this morning, so my ability to determine fact from fiction is non-existence.
Adventurous day. Do you feel like having an adventure? Well today, you're more likely to have an adventure when you go on a short journey. No need to go very far, just someplace you've wanted to go before, yet never been. Today is also a good day to surprise a close friend with news or a small gift.
My Response: Wow, adventure sounds like fun, but a long journey is out of the question since I’m working today. Short adventure? Hmm, maybe I’ll try the new Thai place for lunch – it’s close, I’ve never been there before and I’ve never tried Khao Phat. Adventure here I come.
A Web site or TV documentary could put you in touch with a promising educational or spiritual organization whose goals and aims seem to match nearly perfectly with your own beliefs, dear Aries. This could capture your interest and cause you to want to learn more. A friend may also want to explore this territory. Attend a class or workshop together, and experience their programs directly. You may want to get actively involved.
My Response: I don’t think so. I have enough spiritual goals to deal with at the moment.
You find yourself tapping your fingers and humming to pass the time while waiting for an incredibly slow process to conclude -- but it keeps happening! You just have to deal with the boredom for now.
My Response: OMG – this is the one! It’s uncanny how true to life horoscopes can be.
Regardless of my faith in horoscopes, I do believe that your astrological sign can provide a lot of insight as to who you truly are. Here is mine:
ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
Yup, that pretty much sums up my mood for today. But at least according to my horoscope (if you read between the lines), I’ll be so bored that my chances of having to interact with people today are slim.
17 October, 2009
In case you have ever wondered what a trillion dollars looks like - take a look here. Good thing, I have no need for a trillion dollars since I wouldn't have any place to keep it.
16 October, 2009
Oh I almost forgot, we had SNOW this morning. Yes - SNOW! The white stuff that makes me cranky. At first, I thought it was my imagination, since it's dark when I leave for work and I park in the garage, but when I pulled into the gas station (another thing that makes me cranky) - the white stuff was everywhere. I almost turned around and went home. It's too early for snow - even if I do live at the friggin North Pole.
15 October, 2009
I’m a byproduct of a broken home – two actually. Having said that, I would not say that it has scarred me emotionally; but would say that it has cemented my sense of humor and my belief in the saying, “what doesn’t kill you, will certainly make you stronger.” My dad is a living example of this.
My parents separated shortly after my eighth birthday. My dad has never spoken of the divorce , but my mother’s reasoning was my dad’s “fishing habits”. I suspect it had more to do with her meeting future husband #2.
Regardless of the true reasons, these “fishing habits” usually lasted a few days away from home and most certainly involved alcohol. He would return home looking like something the cat dragged in and smelling even worse. Oblivious to my mother’s mood, he would insist on showing off his prize catch and sharing his tall tales of fishing greatness.
“Let sleeping dogs lie” is not a phrase listed in my dad’s vocabulary. To put it mildly, my mother was a pit bull and my dad was a
All sizes and types of animals are typically able to sense danger, as are young children, but why is it a grown man lacks one of the basic survival mechanisms – fear and the need for self-preservation? Fearless of my mother’s glare, he continues his fishing rant, saying “I don’t know why you are you so angry. You know what will make you feel better? Cooking me up some of the prize winning fish I caught.”
Well my dad certainly isn’t a dumb man, but with a comment such as that, he shouldn’t have been caught off-guard by what happened next. My mother calmly walked into the kitchen, only to appear with the prized trout that my dad had caught days earlier and which was now in a frozen state – all three feet of it.
My dad, with his backed turned, did not see her approach. With the stealth of a ninja and the precision of a samurai warrior and a swing to rival Babe Ruth, she swung that trout like it was a Louisville Slugger. Catching my dad upside his head and knocking him off his chair and onto the
After the trout swinging incident, my dad still participated in his fishing excursions, but was wise enough not to bring anything home larger than sardines - the fresh variety, not canned. Even after the divorce, my dad continues to fish, although he now prefers to practice the “catch and release” method.
I’m sure “irreconcilable differences” was the reason cited for the divorce; unless of course there was the option on the divorce forms to select “domestic culinary abuse”.
At my mom's funeral, my dad leaned over and whispered into my ear "I've always loved her, even though she had something against fishing."
14 October, 2009
To Everyone That Wears Crocs,
I don’t care how comfortable they are, unless you are a 3 year old – you look stupid.
A Concerned Citizen
Just a friendly reminder - I’m not your assistant and not in your department, so kindly stop asking me to photocopy, print or scan for you. I would suggest that you ask your assistant to assist you.
I forgot to mention this in my earlier note. It’s not my fault that you hired an assistant that is stupid. May I recommend that you deal with it?
Signing all your e-mails “thanks a bunch” does not make me anymore inclined to assist you. Should you wish to revisit this situation, may I suggest that you start using “you are a goddess and I am forever indebted to you.”
Thanks a Bunch!
Perhaps you need to consider that YOU are the reason everyone in your department has quit and now you are left with stupid people. Just a thought…
I have never once in the 18 years I’ve known you, seen you finish everything on your plate. Maybe you should consider taking a bit less the first time and then if you are still hungry, go back for seconds. I respectfully suggest that you stop being so wasteful – it bugs me.
As mentioned in my previous note, I would ask you – Did you really need that piece of pie? I didn’t think so. You didn’t finish the main course, then only took one bite of the pie and threw the rest in the trash. Obviously, you need to spend some time in a third world country to appreciate what you have. Did I mention that you really bug me?
P.S. Your husband is a redneck.
To My Loving Husband,
Please stop your bitching about the lack of pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving. That was 3 days ago now and I’ve stopped listening. Get over it and move on before I start calling you names…
Your loving wife,
To My Loving Husband,
I have a recommendation for you. How about we consider flushing the $2.99 sick goldfish instead of medicating them all with the $23.00 fish medication? If you think about it, it makes perfect economic sense. I look forward to your response.
P.S. In case you were wondering, I’m sick of your damn aquarium.
Dear HR Assistant,
You have been here 2 months now. I would kindly request that you stop using the “I’m new” excuse. It’s grown old and tired – like me.
P.S. You don’t need a bachelor’s degree to work the photocopier and if I have to show you again, I’m telling your boss, you are stupid and this will confirm that it’s not a figment of her imagination.
My Deepest Sympathies In Advance,
I know you think I don’t have anything better to do in the morning, but I make you lunch for a reason. If you choose not to eat it, at least be creative and throw it out a school. I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t leave it under your bed for me to find in June.
Just wondering - is there is a hole in your shoes? Please confirm, as I can’t quite figure out any other reason for you to wear 25 pairs of sock in one week.
P.S. It’s really cool how you manage to turn everyone inside out and leave them that way. That’s a special talent you should be proud of.
13 October, 2009
Since I have a lot of them, I've decided to become organized and jump on the Random Thoughts bandwagon. I picked up the idea from Wizard of Otin, who I think picked it up from The Un Mom, but it doesn't really matter... or need to be too complicated (or make your head hurt)...it's a great idea.
- I dislike Tuesdays that feel like Mondays – thanks to the Canadian Thanksgiving. Now, I’m just a day behind in being miserable.
- Family get-togethers further cement my beliefs that some of my extended family members are a bunch of rednecks. You know you’re a redneck if…at the Thanksgiving table, you brag about using the edible shrimp from a shrimp ring as fish bait because they work better than worms. No shit. What fish wouldn’t want to dine on a $9.00 shrimp ring instead of a $2.00 can of worms?
- I’m happy to report that I did not gain the predicted 5 lbs this weekend, but managed to keep it to 3 lbs. The other 2 lbs will arrive shortly though, as I still have half of a turkey sitting in my refrigerator. Damn you hot turkey and gravy sandwiches…
- It’s been six weeks since my “running” injury. I’ve finally been given the “all clear to get my fat ass off the couch”, so tonight I have a date with my treadmill and tomorrow I’ll reward my healthy lifestyle with a meatball sub for lunch.
- I decided to try drinking tea this morning upon my arrival to work, as I’m attempting to reduce my coffee intake. The choices in the kitchen were goji berry, licorice and spice, ginger and lemon, raspberry pomegranate, mint cascade or chamomile heaven. Now I’m curious - 95% of our workforce are men and I wonder what percentage of them actually admit to drinking the “chamomile heaven”. What the hell happened to just plain regular tea?
10 October, 2009
Bob would quietly see me off to work in the morning and then wait patiently for my return at the end of the day. He always listened to my problems and didn’t once interrupt me to complain about his day. He was my friend and confidant.
Bob loved to dress up and it was Bob’s enthusiasm for costumes that made the holidays enjoyable and memorable. For St. Patrick’s Day, Bob loved to wear a leprechaun hat. For Easter, his choice would be the bunny ears. On Halloween, we would break out the “Scream” mask. Christmas meant the most to Bob, so he insisted on wearing nothing but a big red bow and a Santa Hat. Bob loved to pose for photos and could bask in the limelight and admiration for hours on end.
Bob was with us for 5 years and then one April morning, I discovered Bob was missing. My immediate thoughts were that Bob simply wandered off in the night, met a girl and simply misplaced himself. I figured he would turn up, sooner or later, but when he didn’t I immediately began a search of our yard and neighborhood. I scoured the wooded areas, surrounding fields and canvassed our neighbors. I sent e-mails to friends asking them to keep a look out for Bob. Bob was gone and I was distraught when the realization came to me that Bob had been taken.
I could not fathom how someone could take Bob from his home, in the middle of the night. The sanctity of my home had been violated. I had no other choice - I called the police.
Police Dispatcher: How can we help you?
Me: Yes, I like to report a theft.
Police Dispatcher: When did the theft occur?
Me: Sometime during the hours of 11:00 pm and 8:00 am.
Police Dispatcher: What was taken?
Police Dispatcher: Can you give me a description of Bob?
Me: Yes. He is approximately 3 feet tall, is bald, has grayish coloring.
Police Dispatcher: O.K., does he have any recognizable features?
Me: Y es. His nose has been broken and there is a piece missing. Oh yeah and he doesn’t have any arms or legs.
Police Dispatcher: Ummmm…o.k. Can you tell me approximately how much he weighed?
Me: Yes. He was approximately 150 lbs.
Police Dispatcher: Could you make a positive identification of Bob if we found him?
Me: Of course. He was like family.
Police Dispatcher: Do you have any photos of Bob that we could use in identifying him?
Police Dispatcher: O.K., I will send a detective over to your house to pick up the photo shortly.
That was 3 years ago and Bob has yet to be located - although I suspect the police have given up actively looking for him. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder about what became of Bob. He had a great life with our family and regardless of where he is now; I hope he is being treated with the love and respect he deserves.
Bob, you are missed...