Open Letters....

To My Loving Husband,
I am trying to say this in the kindest possible way, so please understand that I’m not trying to be harsh, but it just needs to be said – “Your effin aquarium hobby is expensive when the fish keep dying.   Perhaps next time, we should just flush a 100 dollar bill down the toilet because it’s the same damn thing, EXCEPT I won’t have to go to the fish store with you! “
Your Supportive Wife

 To The City Planning Department,
Let me commend you on your outstanding work.  I can’t believe you have decided to install a roundabout as the only entrance/exit to the new Wal-Mart Superstore.   Obviously, you have never actually driven through a roundabout, nor have you shopped at Wal-Mart on a Saturday during the holiday season.  You might as well resign now because once the store opens and the accident lawsuits begin, you will become the scapegoats for poor planning.  
Thank goodness I only work in this town and do not live here.  This is a boondoggle waiting to happen.  Idiots.
A Concerned Citizen

To My Sister-In-Law,
Planning a surprise birthday party for your husband is a fantastic idea; however having it in September when his actual birthday is in January seems a bit too…hmmm, how can I say this?  Stupid.  Yes, stupid.  Oh, and lazy too.  I realize you want it to be a surprise, but isn’t there another day closer to his actual birthday that will work?  It’s called planning and creativity.  Get off your ass and try it some time.  

To My Boss,
In case you haven’t noticed, the tasks you give me are tedious.  Stop calling them “projects”.   You aren’t fooling anyone - they aren’t “projects”.  They are shit jobs that you don’t want to do yourself or don’t know how to.

Dearest Son,
I love you dearly and please understand that I only want what’s best for you and your girlfriend isn’t it.  She’s sucking the life out of you, which is sucking the life out of me.  Your 18 and I’m not.  I can’t stand the drama and am not equipped for it.  May I suggest you cut your losses and move on?


JennAventures said…
Dearest Mother: Word to the wise...never...EVER...EVER get involved with your son's romance drama. Just smile and look concerned and go mmhmmm a lot.

Believe me.

As a child of a mother who had too many opinions no good can ever come of it.

And you would be amazed at how girlfriend (boyfriends) reenter the picture-your son will forget his anger, but he will never forget if you said something bad.

This is also a rule I follow for my friends-so I'm not admonishing you.
@JennAventures - Great advice, but believe me I don't say a thing to him - I only blog about it.

My family tried to get involved with my romances and I didn't take to kindly to it, so I do just as you say - smile and look concerned.
VandyJ said…
A round-a-bout? At Walmart?! Not the best combo, I get confused at the ones near the outlet malls in Colorado. I can't imagine that the round-a-bout will go over well. You can laugh when it gets changed in a couple of years--it will take that long before they do anything about it.
Brian Miller said…
seriously...a round about at walmart...sounds like chaos...they have obviously never seen european vacation either...

ouch on the fish and sons girlfriend....hmm...does he read this?
Simply Suthern said…
I flushed the $$$$ down the drain for a while. Love the look, hate when they die. We ended up making a tank for Crawdads. Just feed them crappie minnows and they are happy and if you lose one just head down to the creek for another one. They are fun to watch. AND CHEAP.

We have roundabouts here. Out in the dang sticks. They never figured out 4 way stops so I guess they figured no stopping would be better. They should build the roundabout around Walmart.

Good Luck with the girlfriend thing. The more we complain the more attached he gets.
LOL! Love the one to your son :D Hope it the drama ends soon!

Have a great evening :)
Fragrant Liar said…
Letters of inspiration!

What up with your sister-in-law and the four-month-early birthday party? I'm betting that making it so early will make your brother, shall we say, uncomfortable. No?

I especially enjoyed your letter to your boss. So so true.
R. Jacob said…
hmm. Saltwater tanks are tricky and costly. Fresh much easier.

An intersection with lights cost about $500,000 to build, however more cost effiecient in the long run. They will see! I wonder if Wal Mart complained?

Surprise parties are too much work and many times not fun.

your son will get over it, eventually, in a million tears!
jb said…
I see you've taken to writing some letters of your own. Don't you feel better now? :)

- JB

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