Chapstick or Vaseline. What's in Your Butt Kissing Emergency Kit?

I’ve decided to share some of my career observations and perhaps offer some insight into career choices that you may not have realized actually exist.

Today’s post will feature a brief insight into the theatre arts community. This is a first hand observation of a career choice that I didn’t realize existed – professional Ass Kisser.

My brief experience within the arts community brought about a whole new appreciation for the arts. In particular, I gained insight into the “Art of Ass-Kissing”. The theater arts community has more that just beautiful sets, stunning performances and well-rehearsed talent. These talented individuals are not actors, set designers or the stage hands, but are the two executives of a well-known Canadian Shakespearean Theatre.

Although these two individuals have long ago lost their touch with reality, they remain passionate for their craft. I’m amazed that these individuals have not completely snapped – committing themselves to a home for the mentally unstable. They are willing live their lives in the fast lane, where hard liquor, flamboyancy, comp tickets and Chapstick is never in short supply. These are the tools of the trade for a career ass-kisser to the philanthropist elite. Rest-assured, these gentlemen are not unwilling participants in this cat and mouse game. These two know how to charm even the most seasoned “ass”, into dropping its drawers and coughing up a simple donation to the theatre. The bigger the potential donation, the bigger the pucker you can expect to receive when the wet one is firmly planted on your behind.

Potential donors come in all shapes, sizes and income levels. Some are simply lonely spinsters that have pinched their pennies for years and sincerely believe these two theatre representatives actually care about their personal well being and that of their many feline housemates. It’s sad to think that in the minds of these elderly individuals, there isn’t any worthier cause in the world than that of “continuing theatrical excellence.”

There are other’s that don’t give it up as easily. These are the extremely wealthy, cranky bastards that have earned their money the hard way, by screwing over others and they don’t intend to part with it, unless of course it is stolen from their cold, dead hands. These money pits enjoy toying with the emotional stability of our theatre gentlemen, stringing out their hopes for years, even decades, milking them for as many freebies as possible – free tickets, meals, aged scotch, fine cigars, backstage passes for their grandchildren, seat upgrades. It’s a sad day at the theatre when the Last Will and Testament of the wretched ogre has been read and the realization dawns that the theatre has been left nothing.

Similar groveling occurs when the potential for government funding occurs. I’m sure it was Shakespeare himself that said “he, who has the softest lips, receives the greatest funding.” A lesson or two was learned by these men – don’t put all of your eggs in one basket, as changes within the government can occur quickly and often (especially here in Canada). Change within the governing political party, will lead to a whole new set of asses lining up for the kissing to begin. Chapstick should be applied as often as needed.

It’s hard to imagine how these theatre heads manage to look at themselves in the mirror at the end of the day, as these gentlemen are nothing more than well paid, man-whores, whom have become desensitized to selling their souls (and occasionally, their affections) for a buck or two – all in support of the arts.