I Bring You A Substitution...

Instead of the usual mushy love notes, chocolate hearts, flowers and pathetic teddy bears that seem to be cluttering store shelves this time of year, I wanted to bring you something a little different.

Let me introduce you to a new line of greeting cards…

 ROMANCE

Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?"

*****

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

*****

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love
After having met you .. I've changed my mind.

*****

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

*****

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

*****

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise..

*****

I'm so miserable without you,
it's almost like you're here.

NEW BABY

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

*****

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

CONGRATULATIONS

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go....
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

FRIENDSHIP

We have been friends for a very long time
let's say we stop?

BIRTHDAY WISHES

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

IN SYMPATHY

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat.

When I looked at the tire.

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

*****

Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

*****

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day..
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.