Words of Wisdom...

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

• Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

• Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

• No one is listening until you pass gas.

• Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

• Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

• A closed mouth gathers no foot.

• Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

• There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.

• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

• Never miss a good chance to shut up.

• We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.

• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

• There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

• No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

• There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

• THE MOST WASTED DAY OF ALL IS ONE IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED.